Under the guidance of my professor, Mr. Benjamin Moore, I'm setting out on a month-long journey to explore my inner self and connection with my body. Through various activities and documentation, I aim to immerse myself in this experience.
After facing disruptions such as weather, protests, and holidays, I realized I needed a more immersive approach to meet the requirements of the course. This endeavor is an attempt to fully engage with the material from dawn to dusk while keeping a record of my thoughts and experiences.
Monday, November 20
Things have been teetering on the precipice of good/not good. I realized this morning when my body was in panic mode that one thing that seems to help is keeping a rolling inventory through this blog.
Since I've last written: my uncle is in the hospital again, I've helped a friend, and a line from a script sent me crying.
Wednesday, November 15
Weird letting people see and get to know me. I suspect that's probably a lot weirder for people with fame around them.
I'm starting to notice that a lot of acting might be related to letting yourself "be seen" and knowing that people might not like you very much.
Took a much needed rest, and sang my mantra over and over again to re-regulate. Now I'm going to work on scene pages and rest. I am trying to reassure myself that everything is safe around me.
bad news received today. Went home early from school/work. Feeling very emotional and worried.
Tuesday, November 14
my body is feeling grief and anxiety. I feel raw and close to the edge of tears.
Someone's shoes down the hallway sounds like my father walking. Today is his anniversary of passing. Before doing this body work I only felt numb anger, now I feel like I'm being ripped to shreds.
Monday, November 13
My body is under an increasing amount of pressure. I am feeling frustration around generating academic sources on my topics.
EDMR session focused on money, academia versus working, childhood trauma related to poverty and the family.
Sunday November 12, 2023
I spoke with Claude about the MoveAct Code project. We've shifted in another direction.
Today will be about preliminary research.
It was reminded to me that academia might not be where I want to go. He said that I am in a pool of sharks (intellectuals I guess) that it is a stepping stone to reach the next room over where I will meet individuals more suited towards my mission.
Saturday November 11, 2023
Nice day outside of my body. I did my hair and am practicing my lines for American Realism and watching Kevin Can F Himself for "research".
Friday, November 10 2024
I had to perform my midterm today. It was the first time we addressed an audience with our haikus. I aced it. ;)
In American Realism, we moved into our scenes with our partner. I rehearsed yesterday with Arlo because my scene partner cancelled last minute.
He and I worked together and it felt like play. It was nice, and the work began to feel more lived in. We worked on the blocking for me. But today, when I moved towards my scene partner he literally ran away from me. haha.
I think I finally made some progress towards my goal. I am able to be fully present with a member of the opposite sex and be fully in my heart.
During my midterm I was paired with Sebastian, and it was the first time I was partnered with someone from the opposite sex. Because of my earlier release with Yazzy, I felt emotionally cleared to work with Sebastian in an authentic manner.
Nov 7, 2023
I am currently experiencing menstruation without the influence of birth control, marking a departure from my routine of the past two months. The resumption of this blog reflects my commitment to authenticity, despite cautionary advice from EJ and Claude.
Delving into specifics, the cramps I am presently enduring evoke memories of my youthful experiences, prompting me to explore holistic management strategies. This includes the use of cannabis-infused gummies and preemptive administration of Midol to mitigate escalating pain.
Utilizing this hour respite in the bathroom for comfort, I reflect on the past week, during which I abstained from writing due to a sense of cognitive disarray. Expected challenges materialized, demanding strategic navigation to cope with the crises arising from my physiological urges.
Conceptualizing the current menstrual phase as akin to bardos within an airport labyrinth, I recognize various gates, distractions, and obstacles. Maintaining focus on my mission becomes imperative for a successful passage.
Referencing the "THIRTY-SECOND CHAMBER" from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, I contemplate the layers of perception in macrodimensions and the necessity of discernment in navigating through illusions.
At 10:33 in the airport lounge, pain resurfaces in waves, mirroring a sense of rebirth. Trusting that my choices align with optimizing this lifetime, I navigate the public space, acknowledging the subjective nature of my perception.
By 12:33, in-flight, I confront the apprehension induced by an older plane's rapid ascent. Grounded by a mantra and supportive neighbor, I ponder parallels to the weekend's emotional struggles, reminiscent of the character Macabaya.
Post-landing at 9:15 AM on the 5 Train, planetary alignments in my transit chart hint at forthcoming unexpected developments in romantic partnerships. Embracing the perspective that squares can serve as stepping stones, I await the aftermath of a metaphorical thunderclap.
On Thursday, October 26, at 5:13 PM in the 86th street station, I share the experience of working on a script with Arlo and the nuanced dynamics of interaction with my professor. Despite moments of emotional intensity, I find solace in the complex interplay of academic and personal spheres.
In the early morning hours of October 27, at 6:20, tiredness sets in, prompting reflections on recent achievements, including securing a grant for a short film. The decision to collaborate with Claude's MoveAct Code and the prospect of supporting Claude financially add layers to my considerations.
Descending into more personal reflections at 4:29 AM, I explore the challenges of insomnia, grapple with desires, and contemplate the intersections of sexuality, creativity, and personal growth.
Transitioning to October 25, at 5:39 PM on the 2 Train, I weave thoughts on the New York City landscape with personal sentiments tied to my father's presence. The struggle with homesickness and a desire to connect with familial figures shape my emotional landscape.
At 4:38 AM in the bathtub, I analyze a class exercise focusing on fear and personal growth, noting the impact of my learning disability on the processing of information.
On October 24, at 9:38 AM in the Black Box, interactions with the professor and exploration of MoveAct Code prompt reflections on fatigue, internal conflicts, and potential physical strain.
This entry continues with a detailed account of daily activities, thoughts, and interactions, illustrating a balance between academic pursuits, personal reflections, and artistic endeavors.I am currently experiencing menstruation without the influence of birth control, marking a departure from my routine of the past two months. The resumption of this blog reflects my commitment to authenticity, despite cautionary advice from EJ and Claude.
Delving into specifics, the cramps I am presently enduring evoke memories of my youthful experiences, prompting me to explore holistic management strategies. This includes the use of cannabis-infused gummies and preemptive administration of Midol to mitigate escalating pain.
Utilizing this hour respite in the bathroom for comfort, I reflect on the past week, during which I abstained from writing due to a sense of cognitive disarray. Expected challenges materialized, demanding strategic navigation to cope with the crises arising from my physiological urges.
Conceptualizing the current menstrual phase as akin to bardos within an airport labyrinth, I recognize various gates, distractions, and obstacles. Maintaining focus on my mission becomes imperative for a successful passage.
Referencing the "THIRTY-SECOND CHAMBER" from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, I contemplate the layers of perception in macrodimensions and the necessity of discernment in navigating through illusions.
At 10:33 in the airport lounge, pain resurfaces in waves, mirroring a sense of rebirth. Trusting that my choices align with optimizing this lifetime, I navigate the public space, acknowledging the subjective nature of my perception.
By 12:33, in-flight, I confront the apprehension induced by an older plane's rapid ascent. Grounded by a mantra and supportive neighbor, I ponder parallels to the weekend's emotional struggles, reminiscent of the character Macabaya.
Post-landing at 9:15 AM on the 5 Train, planetary alignments in my transit chart hint at forthcoming unexpected developments in romantic partnerships. Embracing the perspective that squares can serve as stepping stones, I await the aftermath of a metaphorical thunderclap.
On Thursday, October 26, at 5:13 PM in the 86th street station, I share the experience of working on a script with Arlo and the nuanced dynamics of interaction with my professor. Despite moments of emotional intensity, I find solace in the complex interplay of academic and personal spheres.
In the early morning hours of October 27, at 6:20, tiredness sets in, prompting reflections on recent achievements, including securing a grant for a short film. The decision to collaborate with Claude's MoveAct Code and the prospect of supporting Claude financially add layers to my considerations.
Descending into more personal reflections at 4:29 AM, I explore the challenges of insomnia, grapple with desires, and contemplate the intersections of sexuality, creativity, and personal growth.
Transitioning to October 25, at 5:39 PM on the 2 Train, I weave thoughts on the New York City landscape with personal sentiments tied to my father's presence. The struggle with homesickness and a desire to connect with familial figures shape my emotional landscape.
At 4:38 AM in the bathtub, I analyze a class exercise focusing on fear and personal growth, noting the impact of my learning disability on the processing of information.
On October 24, at 9:38 AM in the Black Box, interactions with the professor and exploration of MoveAct Code prompt reflections on fatigue, internal conflicts, and potential physical strain.
This entry continues with a detailed account of daily activities, thoughts, and interactions, illustrating a balance between academic pursuits, personal reflections, and artistic endeavors.
Saturday, October 21, 2023
I hold deep affection for EJ, willingly following his guidance. He's been a fatherly figure in my life since before my birth. Today, he discussed potential combat zones like Chicago and Los Angeles, shaping my political left-leaning perspectives. Contributing to the cause while maintaining personal well-being and potential prosperity is paramount.
A recent private comment, suggesting EJ is on a "fire sale" and can't inspire anymore, irked me. EJ and his group continuously explore new ways to stay alert amid crises and take meaningful action. Unlike the overhyped worship of figures like Gurdjieff, they embody practical resistance.
Our discussions today centered around music practice with the guitar and the evolving role of AI in art. Overcoming internal biases is a current focus, and despite my initial skepticism, I find fortune-telling with Chat GPT surprisingly enjoyable.
10:30 AM - Bedroom
Contemplating starting a family before turning 40 while balancing academic pursuits. My aunt insists it's possible with a supportive, faithful spouse.
1:41 PM - Bathtub
Taking a break with a luxurious bubble bath, a rare indulgence. Reflecting on hormonal changes after discontinuing the pill, I appreciate the sensory experience and consider indulging in pleasurable reading over routine schoolwork.
7:19 PM - Bedroom
As the day winds down, I acknowledge mixed emotions, striving for inner peace amidst challenges. EJ's reminder to focus on the work echoes in my mind.
Engaging in meaningful conversation with Will, who's attending a wedding. Signing off for the night.
Friday, October 20, 2023 - Later
In the Cosmic Shelter's Hélio Oiticica show, discussions revolved around personal time. Finding freedom in movement, I explored dance, appreciating the physical release. Music accompanies my evening, reflecting on a powerful voice and movement class and the decision to shift focus to a more body-centric approach.
Tuesday's partner work evoked emotional responses, resonating with past experiences at Kripalu. Reflecting on my professor's insights, I consider a shift from theory to a more embodied discipline.
Acknowledging the illusionary nature of phenomena, I'm urged to prioritize tasks over daydreams. Attempting this approach, perhaps with a playful "maybe."
9:51 AM - Black Box
Awaiting class, reading about yesterday's exhibit visit. Eager to channel the energy into creative endeavors, contemplating a quick vape pen break.
8:17 AM - Kitchen
Despite sleep difficulties and intense dreams, I face the day. Rain adds a quiet stillness to my body, slowed by soreness from the gym.
Thursday, October 19, 2023
6:25 PM - In Bed at Home
Relaxing with Olivia Rodrigo's music, reflecting on a day filled with diverse experiences. Delving into the pornochanchada in class, I plan to write about it for my midterm. Acceptance into the CUNY BA system opens avenues for designing my major.
Class discussions on sexuality leave a lasting impression. Exploring the Leubsdorf gallery, the Cosmic Shelter exhibit, and a dimly lit room provide unique perspectives. Connecting with my professor is electrifying, grateful for his guidance.
Engaging with my ex brings mixed emotions, but I appreciate the catch-up. Heightened sensory experiences mark the day, prompting reflections on acting and self-awareness.
7:20 AM - Bathtub in my apartment
Morning routines include Instagram check, a bath with Epsom salt, and self-care. Embracing the sensory aspects, I plan a tea, reading, and grooming session.
Wednesday, October 18, 2024
10:28 PM - At home in my apartment
Reflecting on a day outdoors with a new friend, Arlo, discussing philosophy and establishing rapport. Gym session follows, highlighting the endurance aspect. Body image criticism surfaces but adjusts with newfound confidence and honesty.
Tuesday, October 17, 2024
5:27 PM - Sitting outside my university
Preparing for a new script, working on a Boston accent. Voice and Movement class brings challenges and compliments. Sensual awakening prompts concerns but is integral to acting seriously.
Morning bath, Instagram check, and music ritual precede class. Focus on intentional breathing becomes a priority.
Monday, October 16, 2023
Reflecting on the third anniversary with a childhood friend, the day involves physical intimacy, EMDR therapy, and creative work. Evening includes yoga for upper back tension and self-care rituals.
Sunday, October 15, 2023
Exploring sigh exercises for body awareness, acknowledging heightened readiness due to past traumas. Safe spaces and introspection mark this day.
Saturday, October 14, 2023
Navigating anxiety, engaging in coursework, and practicing myofascial release. Evening with Aubrey involves nostalgia and comfort, offering solace amid national unrest.
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